I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
