so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize