if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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