I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
