Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
