That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
