I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
