Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
