I think im going to throw up on grandma
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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