You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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