last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize