You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
