his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
