You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
