checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
