: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
