Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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