Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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