Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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