do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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