listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
