Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
