Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
