I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
