Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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