My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
