how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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