I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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