She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
