i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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