He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
