I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize