I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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