i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
