The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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