Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
