if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We don't watch enough power rangers
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
