i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
