I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
