the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
