I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I smell like Dick and happiness
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
