Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
