Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
