She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
