time to smoke my breakfast
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
