you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
