Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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