i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
