Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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