my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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