mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
