I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
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