so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
