im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Pants are for mortals
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
