Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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