Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
