that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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