Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
