Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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