i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
